By Diana Arcia
Despite outrage from Italian plumbers, Walmart decided to ban the sale of all Mario Bros. video games and paraphernalia. Kids all over the world share the burden of having to grow up playing Nintendo’s Mario Bros. They learn at an early age that once you come in contact with magic mushrooms you can transform. It’s only natural that as adults they will use mushrooms to escape life’s problems. Real life psychedelic mushrooms can cause euphoria, introspective experiences and hallucinations. You are basically tripping. In Mario’s World the most common mushrooms work as follows:
Red Mushroom makes you bigger – Unless you are Shaq, who wouldn’t want that power?
Green Mushroom gives an extra life – Essential for a trip to Walmart or anywhere nowadays.
Blue Mushroom makes you smaller – Good for “kids eat free” meal deals.
Mega Mushroom breaks bricks – MMA fighters would choke someone for this ability.
Early exposure to Mario’s mushroom induced super powers creates a false sense of invincibility. Kids grow up thinking mushrooms are magical thanks to reckless Mario and his enabler brother, Luigi. Therefore any emergency room costs associated with psychedelic mushrooms should be sent to Nintendo. They are solely responsible for the delusion created by Mario’s overindulgence.
Studies show that there’s no money to do any studies to develop treatment for the mushroom epidemic or any other upcoming epidemics. This lack of funds is due to the opiate crisis created by big pharma which has high jacked the Health Department’s budget. Since there’s no research available we must assume that there’s a direct correlation between the sound Mario makes when he gets bigger in the video game and adults trying psychedelic mushrooms for the first time to recreate a trip to rescue Princess Peach. If you hate non-psychedelic mushrooms like Portabella and Shiitake you can also blame that on Mario Bros, the entire Nintendo organization and the county of Japan where the game originated. Turns out Bowser was the good guy after all. He was just trying to protect us from Mario’s bad influence all along.
Walmart also banned the video game Mortal Kombat due to their character, Reptile, being accused of inspiring alligator attacks in Florida.
